Monday, May 2, 2011

Parenting Tips - Why You Should Never Lie and Cheat

By Russell HamelLinkLink
Lie and Cheat 101 - Life Lessons on the Run

Opportunities to teach life lessons - in this case why you should never lie and cheat - can come from the strangest places. Just the other day I was walking my seven-year-old daughter to school. We were chatting excitedly about a new recipe we were going to make from scratch that evening. It was Ambrosia's favorite - shrimp fried rice!

However, she had a BIG concern. I recently took on the Insanity Workout program, purported to be THE hardest workout ever recorded on DVD, at least for public commercial distribution. Ambrosia watched me huff and puff my way through one of the routines where I ended up literally drenched with sweat. She realized that this was one helluva workout for anyone, and even more so for her 57-year-old step-dad. Bless her little heart, she didn't want me to be all worn out by the evening where I might have to postpone our little cooking adventure.

Mind you, I have a long track record of starting things and not following through. So in order to keep myself accountable, I decided to video record all 60 days of the Insanity Workout program and post them on YouTube. Ambrosia has been part of a few of those videos and can attest to the fact that I put my ALL into my workouts. Today she thought it might not only be OK but quite necessary for the 'old man' to take it easy. She definitely didn't want any excuses from me, especially where shrimp fried rice was concerned!

It's OK Because I Got Permission to Lie and Cheat

"Russy, why don't you just TELL the people that you did the workout... but don't REALLY do it so you can save your energy for tonight."

There's nothing quite like the sweet innocence of a little child. With the very best intentions she was offering me permission to slack off; to hold back and not do my best; to lie and cheat! I couldn't resist the chance to teach a valuable life lesson.

"People will be able to tell if I'm faking it," I explained to her.

"How will they know, Russy? They won't be there to see you."

Can't argue with that logic, right? However, because I had 'been there' before, recalling my own childhood when my mom ALWAYS knew, I shared with Ambrosia some of my hard-earned wisdom. "Trust me... they will KNOW!"

That's How They Know

"What do you mean, Russy?" Ambrosia honestly thought she had given me an airtight alibi to sneak one past my viewers.

"Well, do you ever wonder how Mommy and Russy know when you're lying?" I asked and waited for her reply. Of course, like any other kid, she has tried to put a thing or two by her mom and I.

Now the kid was really intrigued. In her mind I immediately became like the magician about to reveal the most guarded secret to his best trick.

"They will know because *I* will know!"

How Does It Feel to Lie and Cheat

"Tell me, how do you FEEL when you are telling Mommy or I a lie?" I queried, playing on her emotions.

Ambrosia admitted that she didn't feel very comfortable.

I continued, "And when you don't feel comfortable, you don't LOOK or ACT comfortable. You squirm and you can't look people straight in the eye. That's how people can tell."

By this time we were arriving at her school. But I could tell Ambrosia fully understood the lesson. My guess is that she learned as much, if not more during that 8-minute walk than she did for the rest of the day.

That's How They Know (reprise)

There is an old principle that says, "Whatever you do unto others, you do unto yourself."

I'm going to suggest that the reverse is also true. Whatever you do to yourself - lie, cheat, etc. - you do unto others. And that's how they know! In everything, do your honest best. When you do that, I KNOW you're gonna Love That Feeling!

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes...

OK, a LOT of the time!


Russ Hamel

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Which is the Most Important Parenting Skill?

Some people believe that parenting skills are born along with a child - if only that were true! The thought that everything that happens to a baby or child will create the adults they become is daunting, and parents often don't realize the extent of parenting skilsl they are going to require.

So what are the skills that parents need? Well, the most obvious skill is to know about the physical needs of your child. Most people get this right, but there are others with no parenting skill at all whose children become malnourished or sick from poor hygiene. If you need information on this there are plenty of organizations, books and websites that can help you.

Secondly, there is the parenting skill of providing the right amount of discipline for your child. Experts are divided on level and degree of discipline - but the key is consistency and agreement between parents. It is also important not to punish your child physically, and to try and make the punishment appropriate to the offence.

For example if your child won't stop playing his video game to do his chores, removal of the game would be a fair punishment and will teach him the relationship between actions and consequences. Setting clear boundaries for your child and making sure they understand what will happen if they step outside those boundaries is a vital parenting skill.

Thirdly, there is the skill of creating a morally good, complete human being. This is the hardest parenting skill of all because there are less hard facts, less evidence and less right and wrong answers. There are things that the experts agree on, however:

• Showing your child love, approval and respect can give them the basis to do the same.

• Show interest in your child, listen to them, talk to them, and encourage them to share any problems with you. By not listening to a child you are telling them that it is OK to think only of themselves and not care about others.

• Give them behaviour to model. Children copy adults, by showing a good example to your children you are helping them.

• Be aware of what your children are doing. By letting them watch adult movies or play adult games you are saying that those things are OK. Let their activities be age appropriate.

• Spend time as a family. Whatever the make-up of your family, spend some time together, children who spend more time with siblings and parent(s) generally become more family minded themselves.

It doesn't have to be a big chore, family time once or twice a week where everyone does something together is a great start.

All parenting skills are important, and whatever you do with your children, the main things to ask yourself is, "Would I have wanted that to happen to me? Would it have done me good?" The important thing about parenting skill is that if you think you need help, ask for it.

There are many organizations around that are set up purely for that purpose. If you are not happy asking for help then there are books and websites that can give you fantastic advice.

The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer good company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting style. She has recently built a website [http://www.newparentingstyle.com]http://www.newparentingstyle.com, which touches upon some effective parenting tips that have helped her in her success.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Teen Discipline - When Your Teen Says "I Don't Care"

Do you often wonder how to discipline teenagers so that they respect you and everyone in the family? Do you find yourself thinking that your child just doesn't seem to care, no matter what you do? You give him a consequence and he just shrugs it off? He just doesn't care?

As you know, this can be very frustrating. One possibility is that your child really does care. Maybe he does care that he can't use the computer for the rest of the night. Or maybe he really hates the idea that he can't drive the car on the weekend. He just doesn't show it.

If this is the case, then the consequences you are giving him ARE effective. As long as he respects the consequences you give him, you should not stop. Why doesn't he seem to care? Maybe he's just good at hiding his emotions.

He probably doesn't want you to see that you've won and he has to be disciplined. For whatever the reason, continue with what you are doing because it does improve behavior.


But what if your consequences are really just punishments. This is a frequent problem I've identified in many parents. A consequence should guide the child towards doing the right thing next time. It must have a teaching part to it. It must register in his mind that if he pushes this boundary, then this consequence will happen.

You do this by making sure to connect the consequence with the offense. For example, if your child performs poorly on an exam at school, he must study longer for the next one. Or if you son does not clean his room, then no friends are allowed over. Make sure he is able to connect the dots.

This creates a learning moment that will work to change his behavior.


If there is no learning moment, then really you are just punishing your child. If you take away his car privileges because he talks back, you are not connecting the consequence with the violation of the rule. Don't take away his iPod because he was late for school.

This type of consequence is really just a punishment. And it can cause resentment in your child and even lead to rebellion. Learn to use consequences properly and avoid punishments.

I have produced a free video for parents like you that are dealing with teenagers. It highlights the number one mistake parents make when disciplining their kids. It's available online and the link is available below. Please watch the video to help you avoid the wrong type of parenting.


And of course, maybe you are using consequences properly, and he still doesn't seem to care. There is still the possibility that the consequence you are giving is not appropriate. Maybe he doesn't mind losing his video games because he doesn't use them very much anymore.

Or maybe he doesn't mind staying home from the party because he didn't really want to go.

You are the best judge of your child's reaction. Understand what affects him, what he wants and what he doesn't want. Don't be afraid to change your consequences at any given time to make sure it is the right one.


Check out my video. You'll get a better feel for consequences and make sure you are on the best path to understanding how to discipline teenagers.


Anthony Kane, MD is a physician and international lecturer who has been helping parents of children with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder online since 2003.

Get help with Oppositional Defiant Disorder child behavior help with defiant teens ADHD treatment and ADHD. Check out our Free video that discusses the number one mistakes parent make when when disciplining their kids http://ccparenting.com/discipline?10052

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Teenage Parenting - How to Connect With Your Teen

Parenting adolescents is a huge challenge, but with communication, teenage parenting can be made easier for you and your child. One of the hardest things in parenting adolescents is communicating in the right way, and here are some ways that teenage parenting can be made a little less stressful:

Empathy & Reassurance - a successful path to teenage parenting.

Your teen may have difficulty identifying what she's feeling. You probably know when she's a bit upset, tired or irritated. While feelings are natural, you might have to help your teen articulate them. Asking: "Are you a bit upset?" may help you both to identify the type and the extent of her feelings, and to find appropriate responses.

Reassure your teen your love and support does not depend on exam grades. If your teenagers don't get the grades they expected, help them to keep it in perspective - everyone has some setbacks in life, whether it's failing a driving test or an exam. They can always do resits. Reassure them you're behind them 100 percent, and help them to review all the options.

Communication

Teenage parenting requires effective communication skills. There are things you can do to make communication easier:


• Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.


• Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.


• Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.


• Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"


• Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.


• Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.


• Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.


• It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room

cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think

you can tidy it up?"

• Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.

• Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.

• Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.

Teenage parenting is fraught with dealing with difficult issues like, such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour. It's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm.

Using "I" statements always helps. Say, "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school." Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to his side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and to be clear if there are any aspects of his behaviour you want him to change.

LET THEM GO Policy:

Teenage parenting is is all about you, the parent. Are you ready to let your teen take over this decision that you have been making for him/her? Take some time to think it through. While it won't be all at once, there will be a time when it hits you that you aren't always needed for important decisions, or that you may not agree with the decision your teen made yet the situation worked out fine without you.

This can cause some melancholy feelings - and proud feelings too. Ah, the mix emotions of being a parent! You need to prepare yourself for it. When these thoughts and feelings hit, it is important to remember that you are doing a good job and your teenager is lucky to have you in his/her life.


Verbally spell out the conflict and end with a question: "What do you think you could do?" or "What are your options?" Help your teen list a few that he/she may not think of, but don't do this task for him/her.

Spelling out the pros and cons will help him/her see the big picture of each option, thereby helping him/her choose appropriately. Younger teens often have trouble seeing the big picture, so they may need more help than a 17-year-old. But all teens can use their parents as sounding boards. Be available to listen and help even after your teen has developed good decision-making skills.

Hold your tongue just before you're ready to say, "I think you should..." If your teen is used to you making the decisions and isn't getting around to finalizing his thoughts on the options and choosing one, you may want to ask your teen if he/she is worried about 'being allowed'. Many times at the teen home I would have a teen talk over all of the options and then wait quietly until

I told them what they were allowed to choose. An awkward moment or two would follow and then the teen would realize that I wasn't going to do the choosing and say, "Oh, you want me to choose. I didn't know I was allowed." So, this is simply solved by verbally giving permission.


While you shouldn't act like this is a business meeting, do talk to your teen about what happened, even if the outcome wasn't what was hoped for. Discuss what he/she might do differently the next time and do not be judgmental. Give your teen positive feedback and tell him/her that you are proud that he/she took on this challenging decision. This will help you and your teen work through important decisions in his/her life. This will add to his/her self-confidence and maturity.

It is difficult to remember that our parents had the same problems parenting adolescents as we do today, but they did. If you manage to communicate with your teenager you are doing really well. Try and think about ways you can talk to your teenager - are there activities you can do together?

Think about what you say to them - try and see things through their eyes. Think about how you react - keep calm. Bear these three things in mind and teenage parenting may just get a little less fraught.


The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer good company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting style. She has recently built a website http://www.newparentingstyle.com, which touches upon some effective parenting tips that have helped her in her success.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Parenting For Teens - 10 Tips to Keep in Touch

Parenting for teens is a topic I think every parent should study before their kids are 1 year old. The foundation for good parenting begins from the moment the little cherub comes home from the hospital. But since that rarely happens here are some tips to keep in touch with your teen when they would rather be in touch with everyone else in their world.

  • Try taking your teenager along with you on your Saturday errand run. The car is a great place to talk! Be sure to leave the younger ones at home so you can spend time alone with your teen. Most teens want the feeling of of significance this one on one time creates. Share a coke before you return home.
  • If you can make it work schedule wise try driving your teen to school in the morning rather than take the bus. In our house mornings were a stressful time trying to get to school on time until we started preparing for morning the night before. We set the table for breakfast, decided what we would wear the next day and ended the day with a reminder that we would all wake up cheerful the next day. This simple act made mornings much more relaxed and enjoyable for all of us.
  • If your teen is bedtime talker make time in your schedule to talk before they go to bed. It's a time to tie up loose ends from the day, share pains and joys. Some of our most amazing conversations about boyfriends or girlfriends happened just before they went to bed. However, that meant we had to give up watching the news or CSI but it was a small price to pay for the relational dividends we got in return.
  • Go shopping! My wife and daughter connected during time spent shopping together, much of it window shopping. Sometimes they bought something but most of the time they just wandered through the malls. The conversations they had at those times created connections that still carry on now that she is married and has a family of her own.
  • Spend time away with your kids. Once a year my son and I attended a football or hockey game and my wife and daughter spent a weekend at a hotel. It cost us some money but we considered it an investment into our teens. It was great connecting time.
  • Share meals together. We established a rule early in their lives that meal times together was one of most important events of the day. Though my schedule was very busy I made it a point to be at home meals and we expected them to arrange their schedule to make that happen as well. Things changed when they got part time jobs but we could still make breakfast family time connecting time. Now that they are both married they still like to come home for Christmas brunch or breakfast.
  • Remember that very teen is truly different, as is every parent. The best way for you to find out what's going on in inside your teen is to listen and watch without judgment. This can be a challenge especially when they present you with ideas that are diametrically opposed to what you have teaching them. You'll begin to see the picture coming into focus as you pick up clues about what's going on in the lives of your kids.
  • During the teen years, it's the teens' job to pull away and our job to let them. Remember what it was like when you were a teen, trying to pull away from your parents controls. Start giving them more freedom to make decisions and let them face the consequences of their choices. Commend them when they do well but don't rescue them when they fail. This will help to help build trust and respect which are essential for good family connections.
  • Try communicating with your teen via email over issues that are hard to discuss in person. An example would be the conflicts that occur in many homes over the issue of keeping their room clean. By taking the time to write you give yourself time and space to think through your responses and reflect upon the reply you get back.
  • Lectures are not very effective for improving your connection to your teenager. When it comes to your kids as teenagers, you need to realize that most of what you have to lecture them about they've heard from you before, in earlier lectures. When they show signs of not listening it is best to stop, cut your losses and discuss the matter at another time.

For much more information about parenting your teen read my review on NO-NONSENSE PARENTING FOR TODAY'S TEENAGER - How To Feel Like A Good Parent Even When Your Teenager Hates You. For the review click here.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Is Parenthood is a Punishment?

Do we remember the days before the kids?
Do we remember the romance that filed the air when we and our partner went out had fun and made wonderful things together?

Let's take a moment, close our eyes and try to imagine that...

Now let's come back to the reality!

What do we see now?

Boring routine! We wake up at mornings, prepare our kids to the school, and go to the job for about 10 hours! We come back tired and just waiting for the moment when we will close our eyes and fall a sleep. It sounds horrible but that's the routine of the most of the parents.

I think we don't have to live like that! We are not accused in the court for a miserable life. We, as parents, don't have to live like that!

First, we have to plan our evenings so we could enjoy our time at home. As I mentioned in the previous articles, planning evening activities for the all family will give us a "moral approval" to make something only for us, for the parents.

Second, we have to plan our (parents) activities too. We are already not that young couple that we used to be. We are not as spontaneous as we were. That's why we must plan what we will do when we will free for ourselves. Otherwise, this free time would lost.

Start from planning a week ahead. Think of activities you will do with your kids. Than try to find a babysitter for the Friday and just go out. Enjoy yourself and you would find out how amazing it could be. Even the process of planning the week can be very interesting...

Try it once, and you couldn't stop doing it every week...

Want to learn more? Please visit my site http://www.activity4family.com/?ref=ezin.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Is Managing Children's Behaviour All About Control?

Hm -- a relevant and important question -- is disciplining and managing children's behaviour about control?

A woman walked by my house the other day with a beautiful dog. She was having a lot of trouble getting the dog to walk on the lead -- in fact it sat down and wouldn't move -- it wanted to go back the other way.

The lady pulled at the lead, the dog pulled and slipped its collar then turned to run towards a busy road. Panic... the woman shouted the dog and luckily, although it didn't return to her it sat down, allowing her to put the collar back on. She tried again and failed again. This was getting to be a dangerous situation.

Wrong place, wrong equipment, wrong tactics -- this could be carnage. What did she do? She let the dog have its own way and walked back up the road in the direction the dog wanted to go. It wasn't a very good lesson for the dog. The woman didn't have control and without it the dog wasn't safe.


When I was driving in town recently a woman was at the edge of the road with a pram and two young children, one either side of the pram. One child ran into the middle of the road. Luckily I wasn't going fast and had my wits about me.

I stopped in plenty of time, but I could have been in a dream (who isn't sometimes when you're driving?). Like the incident with the dog, again it could have been disastrous. But what was the mother to do? Leave the other child and pram and go into the road to retrieve the runner?

Push the pram and other child into the road too? Scream? What? Her options were fairly limited and all were fraught with danger... Again the adult didn't have control and this put three children in danger.

Back to the original question -- is managing children's behaviour about control? Yes it is... but, it has to be the right sort of control, used correctly.


Adults shouldn't have an issue with with the implementation of discipline and control when dealing with children's behaviour, but so many people these days seem to have trouble with this concept.

They claim, 'It limits development,' or, 'It doesn't allow for free expression,' or even, 'It inhibits imagination'. Tiny children can be seen wandering alone in dangerous places -- on roads, in shopping centres, in super markets, by water -- with adults close but not close enough to have absolute control if something were happen that needed urgent intervention.

Small chldren used to be physically attached to adults wth reins... you rarely see them today... why is it so shocking to show that you have control? Are we willing to put children into danger rather than take control of their behaviour and actions and do so until they're emotionally mature enough to be increasingly independent?

Tell you what -- that little child would have had its development well and truly limited if my car had hit it, wouldn't it? Free expression and imagination would have come to an instant halt! The panic stricken dog wouldn't have enjoyed any more walks if it had ended up under a car or lorry on the main road, would it? People often say to me that children have changed. No children haven't changed -- but what has changed is adults' attitude towards children.

Part of children growing up is to learn how their world works and this enables them to develop emotionally and socially. Where does children's advice and guidance come from? From adults. Until they learn (are trained) in these important lessons they aren't able to mature and function independently or confidently in society.

Discipline is not a dirty word, it's simply an alternative word for training. Without discipline or training we end up with adolescents behaving like three year olds, unable to show any self control when the world doesn't go they way they would like it to.

My message about controlling children's behaviour and its place in effective discipline and behaviour management is against much of today's philosophy. It's a strong, but quite simple message -- until a child has learned self control, it has to be controlled.

That's it.

But, you have to know how to control and manage children's behaviour in a way that encourages self control, indepenence and confidence. Anyone can learn behaviour management strategies that will achieve this. Behaviour Bible gives you the techniques, practise them and use them consistently and you'll have a happy and productive classroom.


Liz Marsden is a highly experienced and successful behaviour management expert who works with children demonstrating extreme behaviour. At http://www.behaviourbible.com you can learn Liz's strategies and techniques. Follow her daily work at http://www.behaviourbible.com/diary to read more about managing behaviour confidently.